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I HATE BAD DRIVERS
It has come to my attention that there is, in recent years, as there has been since the advent of the automobile, an entire subculture of bad drivers. And I don't mean simply "bad" as in their skill level: there is, for every good, conscentious, law-abiding driver, five horrific, abusive, reckless, rage-prone idiots doing their best to, if not kill you, at least irritate you.
Of course, you know by now what brought on this exposition. A run-in with a bad driver. It wasn't simply that this person tailgated me for ten minutes; it wasn't simply that he passed me on a double-yellow line after I sped up to ten miles over the speed limit in an attempt to compromise with him; it wasn't simply that he returned "the finger", not in self-defense but with clear anger and disdain for me, as we did it simultaneously, an event I think will not be repeated in my lifetime; it wasn't simply that he sped away at 30 miles over the speed limit (ironically, he passed me right before one of the most dangerous hills in the area, a steep, multi-switchback that people avoid in the winter and which has a speed limit of 35, which is actually more like 25 going down simply because anything faster will make you fly off the road, i.e. he had to slow down anyway, though of course to only something approaching maybe 50). It was that he did all of these things in a systematic progression designed to selfishly enhance himself and belittle me; did every single one of these things when a normal person would stop at one or two of them; and, I am left with the distinct impression, actually possessed the true belief that the laws simply do not apply to him.
There are several types of "aggressive" drivers. You see them everywhere. They pass on the right, make left turns from the right lane, make left turns on red lights, honk if you make a complete stop at a stop sign. They're everywhere, and they're trying to make you extinct through their sheer idiocy.
There's the simple speeder; he speeds. Everywhere. He speeds to California. He speeds to the corner store. He's usually the basis for the others, but there's always the possibility that he'll just slow down and drive normally if he encounters someone in front of him. It's true! That's why he often goes out late on a Friday or Saturday night with his speeder friends and, sometimes in a drunken haze, tears up the asphalt.
There's the tailgater, one of the most selfish individuals that exist on this earth. It isn't simply that he wants to speed; he wants you to speed so he can speed, he wants you to break the law so he can break the law. You are impeding his progress. How can this be? How can someone else slow him down? How can someone else not think, feel, act exactly as he does? Sometimes they can be reasoned with by going five to ten miles over the speed limit. True, only five is legal, but ten isn't really cutting it close or anything. Sometimes they cannot be reasoned with, and follow one foot behind you. I especially love it when they do this at night with their high beams on. It just makes me feel so pleasant. Keep in mind they would follow you with their high beams on even if they weren't tailgating you, which has the same blinding effect, showing that perhaps these people aren't too smart upstairs. However, in truth, I don't mind tailgaters. I can ignore them completely. I don't get tense or frightened like a lot of people will.
Another type is the passer, who is a speeder who passes you and everyone else, on the right or left, on the burm or the opposing traffic lane or simply the right lane in a two-lane, regardless of the situation, as if they're playing Grand Theft Auto (or Driver, for you elitists). I don't mind these people too much, either, because they aren't under the impression that they aren't breaking the law. They have absolutely no regard for the law at all, they're of the "rebel" type, like all the others, and they know it, they revel in it. And really, what they're doing isn't really driving, in the end, I mean, they don't even follow the basic layout of the driving process, they don't drive on the right side of the road, they don't stay between the lines, they don't respect the speed limit, they don't stop for stop signs, they don't use the brake unless it's to rip the e-brake and do a rad spin-out or cornering move. The only things on their car they use are the steering wheel and the gas pedal. Why I don't really care is that they will eventually be stopped and cited for their behavior because it is so flagrant, possibly jailed, or they will die, and they don't tailgate. They careen towards your back end, realize you and they are not going the same speed, and go around you, immediately. They don't screw around, and sure, there's a good chance they'll wreck and then you'll wreck into them, but if they'd tailgated you for ten minutes and THEN passed you on a double-line, there's the same chance. At least this way you can die with much less anger and tension in your soul.
Finally, there is the type I met earlier today. He is a controller; he uses a system of abuse to control your actions, to make you into his puppet, all while retaining a righteous attitude and a basic instinct to not break the law unless he HAS to to get his way. He does what I said he does, he follows you, presses you. Maybe you play his game, like I saddeningly did, and speed up. What you don't realize, however, is it simply isn't enough for him. Give an inch, and he will take a mile. I believe that if I somehow was going 70, this man's idea of the correct speed, he would've wanted me to go 80. So, simply, do not give him an inch, or quit giving him more and more feet, and he will pass you, act as if you have done something wrong, and speed away at his correct speed, which is whatever the speed limit is plus 50.
These people are under the distinct impression that they are "rebels", or that the way they drive is the right way to drive, anyway, and they hold you and I in utter disdain because we follow these things called "laws". What they are, in actuality, are hypocrites. They don't speed in front of cops if they see the cops, do they? If they were rebels, they would've never gotten a license. They did what you and everyone else did, kow-towed to the Man like wimps, went down to the DMV, sat there or stood in line, took the little paper test, listened to the instructor's instructions and corrections, probably waited six months (if required, I'm sure they wouldn't do it if it was recommended), went through the stupid little driver's test where you have to do everything JUST right, and guess what, followed the rules of the road. How can they rationalize this in their minds? The only reason they have a license is they followed the law. Why do they think they should be allowed to flaunt the law and still keep their license? I mean rationally, since the fact they still have their license attests that they can endanger your life with no consequences. I'm not talking about those who try not to get caught, are afraid to get caught, although they all do that. These people are at least under the impression they've done something wrong. No, it is the individuals who not only think they have done nothing wrong, they think YOU have done something wrong by going the speed limit or slowing down in a construction zone, or, God forbid, stopping fully at a stop sign. They're narcissists. They cannot grasp that the world does not revolve around them.
Some people have the saying about how some people turn into different people behind the wheel. In my opinion, at best their personality is magnified. They turn from twerps into jerks. Actually, I'm under the belief that the majority of them are simply like this in all situations in their life. They talk loudly in libaries. They leave their cellphones on in the theater (even after seeing a slapstick vignette about turning it off or even a simple slide). They cut in lines. They cheat on their taxes. They don't tip. They hunt out of season. Whatever, they're the absolute worst that humanity has to offer, and guess what? They're driving a nice shiny silver SUV, and they're coming to get YOU! Like I said, it's these guys that combine everything into one horrendous, aggravating package that I really hate. The normal person who speeds a little bit, or has a few fandangoes in their wild years, I can understand them, even if I still hate them with every ounce of my soul. But these professional grief-makers should be thrown in jail, or summararily executed at least.
I have nothing but utter disdain for these people. What amazes me is they think they are good drivers. I don't know how they define good. I wish I had tested at the DMV they got their licences at, where you get extra points for passing people and cutting them off and speeding. I failed my first time because I didn't yield to a fellow coming off an off-ramp because, guess what? Guess what?! HE WAS SPEEDING! I didn't see him when I started to turn because he wasn't even in sight! He showed up, going 55 like he was still on the bypass instead of on a 30 mile per hour ramp, and decided he sure as heck wasn't going to wait for me to complete my turn! A honked horn and a swift brake later, I've failed my driver's test, all because of people like this. I wish I had the capacity for road rage that they do, because I would probably stomp on the brake when they were tailgating me and then speed up and tailgate them when they pass me like some of my relatives do. It would make me feel so GOOD. But alas, I realize that I can't just go around endangering the lives of all the other drivers on the road just to get to my destination ten minutes early, and limit myself to the baseness of a lewd hand gesture if I'm really feeling mad. Otherwise I just ignore them, hoping they will wreck and I can stop and help them and they can feel bad about abusing me, like in the movies. Or their car can explode for no good reason, like in the movies. Either sounds good to me.
As a final note, I'll put in a little mention of how the other kind of bad drivers, those who have only the faintest clue how to drive, annoy me. Hey, guess what, spaz! You don't have to stomp on the brake on EVERY curve! All you have to do is LET UP ON THE GAS before you get to it! WOW! AMAZING! Now you can swerve all over the place and pull out in front of/into me IN STYLE! Why use your mirrors when backing out of a parking space, really? You looked once, that means it's clear forever! There couldn't possibly be somebody who's stopped behind you waiting for someone else to finish pulling out.
And then there are the ones who don't go the speed limit, they go UNDER the speed limit, by some massive amount. I don't tailgate them, because I'm conscentious, I use the two-second rule because the four-second rule doesn't really apply when you're going ten miles per hour, but guess what? I have five tailgaters all tailgating each other tailgating ME, because of these idiots! I really love when the tailgaters turn into passers and try to pass the five turtle-speed cars on a blind curve, and they're swerving in and out of the lane again and again because they can't realize that the people coming the other way are going 70 like they normally do.
Why does the system let these people on the road? Because they are good at mimicing normal people for a driver's test. That's it. The rest of the time they are total idiots, not even following the spirit of the law like the rest of us. The letter of the law, of course, has been ripped in half like so much credit card junkmail and tossed in the trash. It annoys me, because no other license means so little. If you get a gun license and break the law with a gun, guess what? They take your license away! If you get a commercial driver's license and break the road law, guess what? They take your license away! I can't think of a single license that means so little as a driver's license. Even motorcycle drivers take care because chances are if they're in an accident they'll die. But car drivers just go around without a care in the world because of air bags. Never mind that the guy on the pedestrian crosswalk's best defense was a thick jacket. You don't care. You have a driver's license, and that means you're king of the world and can do anything you want!
In the end, we have to learn to live with these people, because apparently no higher authority can do anything about them. They drive drunk, they drive dangerously, they drive without even human emotion or far too much. They're death machines without even the intelligience of a computer. I hate them. If you are one of them, please, go die. No, don't feel bad when I say that, don't get mad. It's for the best. Go die, please. Just go do it, even if you have to do it yourself. It'll be the best thing you've done for the world, well, the only thing you've done for the world. Make a difference, and drive off a cliff, please.
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